I am a very lucky man – I’ve got an amazing wife and am the father to three wonderful kids. Lylli was born on Halloween in 2008, Gracie was born November 2010 and although she only lived for 17 months, she will remain as much a part of this family as the rest of us, and Mickey Gray, our first son, was born in June of 2012. I’m not going to say that life has gone exactly as I would have wanted, but it is a good life and I am determined to make the best of it.

This blog is an attempt to document my quest to become a dad that my family can be proud of.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Been a Tough Week

I got this thing in the mail today from the funeral home.  It told me that for many people, the initial shock of losing someone doesnt hit with the full effect at first, but after a bit, it hits you like a truck.  The author of the pamphlet even said that he recommends to businesses to let someone come back to work quickly after a loss, but to be prepared to give them some time away in a few months.  I found myself there this week.  The loss of my daughter hit me very very hard.  that coupled with a job that I don't like and the fact that despite busting my ass in the gym, I was mistaken last week at my work picnic for a very big and unhealthy guy at my work put me in a tailspin.  I went to my family reunion last weekend and we participated in the first annual Gracie Delaney Memorial 5 mile run/walk.  It was amazing but was tough -- I'm not complaining about it at all because it meant so much to us and I know this is the pain that Carrie and I need to go through in order to heal (or "grief work" as my wife's friend that also lost a child says) -- My wife did a Caringbridge entry for Gracie's site on Wednesday because it was the three month anniversary of her death -- she mentioned how we do have times of happiness these days, but they are all bittersweet without our Gracie to experience them with us.  I know its going to be so hard to watch all of the kids in my family around her age grow up -- We were so much looking forward to watching our Amazing Gracie defy stereotypes and knock down walls.  Carrie also mentioned something in her post that I really liked -- if losing Gracie is the price we have to pay to be able to say that we are her parents, then so be it -- The proudest thing in this world to me is that I am Gracie's Dad.  To be able to say that is well worth my pain and whether she is alive or dead, nobody can take that fact away from me.  Reading that pamphlet from the funeral home today made me feel like I'm not alone and that its normal for some to take awhile for the real pain to kick in, I'm not going crazy --- its just something I have to go through. 

I took the week off from the gym - I got an email from one of the owners of FXB asking how I'm doing and how he can help -- You know that feeling that you get that tells you to quit sometimes - as an athlete, the more you train and get into better and better shape, it gets easier and easier to suppress that inner voice, but when you are out of shape and struggling, it can sometimes be louder than any music they pump through the speakers at the gym - Let me tell you, that voice gets amplified tenfold when you lose your child -- there are those moments, lots of them, when you say WTF am I doing and FTW - I truly can't tell you how close I have been to walking out of a workout several times these last three months.  I'm ashamed of the fact that I've gotten to that point where I let that voice win sometimes.  That voice won this week - but I'm tougher than that.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.  There's absolutely nothing I can do to change anything in the past and I will no doubt live the rest of my life with a broken heart -- but that doesn't mean that life still can't be great and it all starts with getting happy with myself

Monday morning is 40 days before my 40th birthday.  It's on!