Do 2012...

So as the year comes to an end I've been given a lot of thought to how the heck I will pull off my goals for  2012 – I feel the same about resolutions as fellow blogger and do lifer Scott Schultz – see

http://what-if-i-lived.blogspot.com/

That said – like so many things in the past several years, I haven't held myself accountable, so just like signing up for the 2011 Twin Cities Marathon and not following through with it, it's been nothing for me to say I was going to save the world, become an underwear model, filthy rich, etc, etc – on Jan 1^st – as well as take all kinds of pride in my resolution to fix everything and tell anyone who will listen about how this time I will do it.  The mind really is an amazing thing.  I sometimes wonder with all of the lies I've told to myself and others how I can continue to look people in the eyes, let alone myself in the mirror.   What did Einstein say is the definition of insanity again? – doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Yeah, that about covers it – year after year (month after month, post after post) – I've talked a great game – essentially countless number of  "look at me, let's celebrate my victory before I've done 1 thing to earn it"  moments.  Well, there's nothing that I can do about the things I didn't follow through with in the past – the one thing that I can do is to alter my behavior.  So in the footsteps of Scotts Blog post above, someone who I hope to become friends with this year and run with a bit, I want to tell you some of the things that I hope to achieve this next year:

1.        I signed up and plan to get the year started by running the Polar Dash 5K on January 1^st  – Carrie and Gracie will still be in Boston, but I will be returning home with Lylli a few days before that day.  This is my starting point for the year – I will be running it (probably running/walking at this point) with my sister-in-law.  I have not run in some time and will be basically starting over, but am using this race to set the tone for the year.  2012 is the year where I follow through with my words

2.       I signed up and plan to run the Lucky 7K mid march.  At that point, I hope to be down a few pounds from the Polar Dash and also at a point where I can enjoy the run a little more.

3.       On Sept 14^th, I will be turning 40 years old – I found a marathon in Walker, MN the next day – I am going to do everything in my power to be ready for and finish this marathon.  Because I have been struggling with how I haven't followed through with things, I made a deal with myself – If I do all that needs to be done to get myself to a place where I can complete a marathon, I will have then proven to myself that I can commit to something bigger than myself and at that point will go back to school to get my masters degree.  Something I've wanted to do for awhile now but have afraid to start and not follow through like so many things in my life   

4.       A couple of other things that I'm thinking about doing is the Monster Dash, maybe Grandma's Half, the TCM full or 10 Mile – Also, the Do Life Boys have had to pull out of there 52 marathons in 52 weeks effort, but have promised to make many events around the nation in 2012 – I would really like to figure out a way to meetup at a marathon late in the year and run in their pace group.

2012 is going to be our year  – I need to make myself healthy so I can be here for a long time for my wife and three kids (yes, I said three – Carrie is due on May 30^th)

As for the underwear model comment – stay tuned – a quick word of warning, I've been thinking about using public embarrassment as a motivator and in true Ben Davis fashion ( www.bendoeslife.com ), been toying with the idea of posting a "before" pic of me standing in my boxers for everyone to see – haven't quite decided if I'll have the guts to do that yet – but just thought I would warn any of you that plan on following this blog in the future – I do plan to do a better job at using this as a tool to update my progress and help hold me accountable.    

I'm done half-assing this amazing life of mine!!!!

Preparing for Boston

Those of you that have found my blog from one of the Do Lifer site(s) are probably thinking a whole different thing when you read the theme of this post.  Unfortunately, in order for me to run the Boston marathon, I would need to drop about 4 hours on my marathon time and at least 100 lbs – more on that effort later, but first:

 

We are so very busy trying to get all of our ducks in a row (and celebrate some last minute pre-Christmas celebrations) before we leave for Boston early Monday morning.  I have to admit this trip is a hard one (I guess most of them have been at this point).  I know that the team at Children’s Hospital of  Boston is amazing and only looking to do what’s best for Gracie, but I can’t help but be scared that we are pushing our luck having her 4^th open heart surgery in just over a year.   Whenever she comes home after an extended stay in the hospital, it takes awhile for her to relax – She doesn’t sleep well at all  - it’s as if she stays on guard every night, just waiting for the next doctor or nurse to come in and try to draw blood or take an x-ray, etc.  These last couple of days have been great – she has been such a happy baby and has slept so much better.  It seems that she is finally just getting over her latest trip to Boston in November and here we sit, just a few days from going back - this time, not just for a small procedure to see how her heart is doing, but for another major open heart surgery.  I know kids are resilient, and all of this stuff happening so early on in her life is the best for her, but I can’t wait until our little girl gets to a point where she doesn’t have to have a major surgery every 3 months.  We have been so excited to see how well she has been doing and the thought of taking any steps back is very difficult.  We will be fortunate enough to be able to go to Lylli’s Christmas dance recital this coming Sunday afternoon, but unfortunately Gracie’s surgery, next Wednesday is on the same day as her Preschool Christmas recital.  It just breaks my heart to not be able to be there in the crowd for her.  I am crushed to know that she won’t find me in the crowd and tilt her head to the side and do that little bite the lip smirk as she stands up there with pride singing Christmas songs for her daddy.  Gracie, Carrie, and I are going to Boston on Monday – it is especially hard this time for me to leave Lylli behind – She means everything to me and the thought of her missing her mommy and daddy is hitting me especially hard today.  Fortunately, my amazing in-laws will be bringing Lylli out to be with us over Christmas.   We are moving from the Hospital family housing for a couple days when they arrive to stay in a hotel near the hospital.  On December 15^th, last year, I was praying that I could have my family together at home on Christmas day.  This year, being home isn’t important  -- I’m just praying that God blesses, once again, the hands of Gracie’s surgeon Dr Pedro del Nido and his team to fix Gracie’s heart . Sure, this Christmas will be spent in the hospital, dinner most likely prepared in the kitchenette in our hotel room, the important part is that we will be together.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Santa

 

So I started a long rambling post filled with all of the heart stopping quotes we got from doctors over Gracie's life in an attempt to portray how wonderful this day is to my family, but decided that there is absolutely no need to bring up anything negative on such a wonderful day.  I'll admit I've secretly held in my head this day as the day that I would know that things are going to be alright. I started to attempt to put into works how much this little girl has brought to my life and realized that I can't say it any better than my wife did today on Gracie's Caring bridge site, so I thought I would share her words as well as a beautiful montage she put together for her birthday:

"One year ago, I wasn't sure what our future with Gracie would be. I wasn't sure if, in the future, today was going to be a happy day or a sad day. I am so excited and humbled and amazed and thrilled that today will forever be a happy day. Our Gracie is ONE today! It has been a ROLLERCOASTER of a year - as you all know. We have learned SO, SO much about heart defects, hospitals, support from others and celebrating what you have. We would never have learned these things without going through this journey. And we have met the most amazing people. People who are walking the same road we are walking have quickly gone from strangers to close friends. People from all over the country - some who we have never even met in person - have become an amazing support system. Strangers have come out of the woodwork to help people they have never even met, just because Gracie's story touched them. Doctors and nurses have worked tirelessly to take care of Gracie in her sickest moments and give us comfort when we were most scared. And, of course, our friends and familly have been there for us every step of the way. We could not ask for more than what we have this year. As Thanksgiving approaches, we are VERY aware of all that we have to be thankful for.


Happy Birthday, Gracie Jo! You are loved more than you will ever know!


Here is a video we put together for her first year..."

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

She Takes the Cake!

I haven't posted for awhile - But promise to start up again in the near future -- Lot's to catch up on. Wanted to share this montage with you!

Make a video - it's fun, easy and free!
www.onetruemedia.com

A Heart Mother

Carrie and I spent last night at the Ronald McDonald house inside the Minneapolis Children's hospital.  Gracie is getting better every day and will most likely be coming back home in a day or two.  I feel like an old pro around that place at this point.  Carrie told me that she got to see some friends at the hospital today. Jennie is the mother of Micah, a little boy with Down syndrome who has also been no stranger to the hospital in his few short years.  I've only met him one time - at this year's Step Up for Down Syndrome walk, but at the point I met him, he was wore out and about to fall asleep -- he was definitely done for the day.  Every time Carrie meets up with them, she is so filled with optimism about Gracie's future.  She raves about this little guy and speaks about how seeing him reminds her of all of the potential that Gracie has.  I mentioned earlier that I felt like an old pro at the hospital these days, but I remember very vividly how when I was petrified to be there and Jennie, a stranger at that point, showed up at the hospital when Gracie was just days old with a basket full of goodies and things to read while we were there.  She is quite the advocate for her little guy and we hope to be for Gracie what she is for Micah.  October is Down syndrome month and she has vowed to blog every day this month.  I wanted to share a poem that she posted in her blog today -- I'll admit, I changed some of the he's to she's to relate closer to our story, but I really liked this poem - I can relate as Gracie's dad, but can only imagine how close this hits to home for Carrie:

A HEART MOTHER

One day my world came crashing down, I'll never be the same.

They told me that my child was sick. I thought, "Am I to blame?"

I don't think I can handle this. I am really not that strong.

It seemed my heart was breaking. I have loved her for so long.

I will not give up on this child. I will listen to your advice.

I will give my child any chance. No matter what the price.

I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.

I'll even use that feeding tube. My child must survive!

Will she need a lot of therapy? Will she gain the needed weight?

Please God, help me do this. I will accept our fate.

When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder...

How many parents would love that sound. Tomorrow I will be kinder.

As another Angel earns her wings, I run to my child's bed.

I watch her sleep for quite a while. I bend down and kiss her head.

I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken. I look to You wondering why?

Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....no matter how I try.

And yet, I trust you hold her life and guide us through each day.

My mind says savor each moment she is here, but my heart begs, "PLEASE let her stay"!

From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by her bed.

From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.

From wondering, "Will she be alright?", to watching her reach out her hands.

With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.

For all who see that faded line, I look to them and smile.

You see, my child is loved so much. I would face ANY trial.

That scar I trace with my finger: it's the door to her beautiful heart.

God must have known how much I'd love here (just as He loved her from the start).

A heart mom is always a heart mom, now wise beyond her years.

For those who have angels in heaven, our hearts share in your tears.

Every day I will try and remember, I was chosen for her (and no other).

I will always embrace that beautiful day... When I became a "Heart Mother."

~ Author unknown

The Race

I know its been awhile since I've posted to this blog -- So much is going on these days and once again I find myself a bit overwhelmed and unsure where to start.  Gracie is back in the hospital with a virus that has made her miserable and was causing a valve in her heart to leak and have too much pressure.  She's recovering and will be fine and hopefully will be back home someday soon.  My training has taken a back seat -- I'll be honest, Its probably because I got down on myself for not being ready for the full Twin Cities Marathon.  My good freind Dave who was going to run it with me, followed through with his end of the bargain -- I am so proud of him, but find myself often pouting and questioning what it is inside of me that stops me from following through?  I hope to make a few blog entries soon and ramble about some of the things going on in this head of mine, but until then, a friend posted this video on his facebook site today -- its footage from a race that I actually have shared with others before.  Everytime I see this, it brings tears to my eyes -- I really see this as a metaphor (if that's the word I'm looking for) for Gracie's life -- this whole journey we've been on is tough and has had its setbacks, but in the end, I just know that little girl is going to excel.  I also hope some day that I can do the same -- despite the countless number of reasons that have kept me where I am physically over the recent years, I am still working (harder at times than others) towards my goal of running a marathon before I'm 40.