Our Home Has a Name

Last July we moved into our dream home on 10 acres.  We have an ever changing animal count, but today there is 2 horses, 6 chickens, 2 dogs, 2 indoor cats and 7 barn cats.  It's my goal to fix up the old barn and use part of our 6+ acre field to create a riding arena where we can ride and maybe someday have riding for kids with disabilities to honor Gracie.  Now, I just need to win the lottery and we'll be all set!!

7 years

Today and tomorrow each year are always tough days – it is hard to believe that early tomorrow morning will mark the 7^th anniversary of the day we lost our Gracie.  I always feel sad on these days and in an odd way, giving myself permission and purposefully being sad, reminds me of how important she still is to me.  As a parent that loses a child, you get-by by forcing yourself to become numb and you spend a lot of extra energy forever wondering if you should stop yourself from being happy when things are going well because part of you just wants to be sad forever – Its strange to say, but part of me feels guilty to be happy.  However, I also know that is no way to honor my girl, so I try to keep things together when it comes to Gracie most of the time and give myself permission to be sad on May 1^st every year – And somehow writing this out and sharing it helps me although I’m sure it also illustrates some alarming shortfall that I have to need to do it, but I frankly don’t care.

 

When our first born, Lylli, was a baby she caught RSV and had to spend a couple of nights in the local hospital.  I remember how scared we were and how we freaked out when her Oxygen level got in the low 90’s and how they finally brought a bed into her room because they busted Carrie crammed into her crib sleeping with her too many times.  I guess they figured the risk of her falling out of a bed onto the floor was less than the risk of being smothered by Carrie (Although after what I’ve learned from watching Carrie as a mother to Gracie, I know that laying there crammed in with Carrie was the safest place Lylli could’ve been).  We were so scared and I’m certainly not discounting those that have had a bout with RSV with your typical child because it really is scary regardless.  I will say however, that it’s crazy how a parent’s perspective can change once they live with a medically fragile child – For reference, Gracie, until her heart had 4 chambers, lived her life with her Oxygen levels in the 70’s.  Mid-April 2012 Gracie had a follow up appointment with her cardiologist Dr Hills who noted how amazing her heart looked.  We did it! All of the traveling and surgeries and ignoring those that said it couldn’t be done was worth every second – Our Gracie’s heart was whole and stronger than ever.  However shortly after, she caught a cold and on April 21^st Gracie was admitted into Minneapolis Children’s hospital with pneumonia.  I was reading the journal on her Caringbridge site and after going through all that we had with her, the journal entry noted how it wasn’t a big deal and that we were excited to get her home and joked about how we would someday sit with her and read through all of the entries to show her how much of a miracle she was. 

 

We had been through it several times before – Carrie, Mama bear, stayed with Gracie around the clock to make sure she knew that her Mama was always there.  That last stay was amazing because Carrie was 36 weeks pregnant with Mickey and would still stand on her feet for hours over Gracie in her bed so she could hold her hand or console her or whatever she could do to make it easier for our girl.  My job was to go to work and take care of home and shuttle Lylli back and forth to the hospital each night so we could have dinner together as a family.  After dinner, Carrie would spend some time with Lylli in the Ronald McDonald house while I spent some time upstairs with Gracie.  That was the routine almost every night, except for on April 30^th.   Gracie had improved enough to be taken off the ventilator but as often happened after extubation she was very crabby.  Carrie didn’t feel right being away from her for any period of time that day, so since I had to take care of some things around the house, we decided it would be best for Lylli and I to stay home that night and have some Daddy/Lylli time.  Later that evening, Lylli and I were able to skype with Carrie and Gracie.  Gracie was doing a goofy little thing similar to how a kid kind of hiccups or catches their breath with a small huff-huff when they are trying to regain composure while they are crying.  It was a bit odd, but was so much better than seeing her on a ventilator.  I often feel guilty for not going to visit her that night, but at least we got to Skype so Lylli and Daddy could tell her we loved her.  As we ended our Skype call we agreed we would keep our phones nearby for any updates on either end.  I can’t remember exactly what we would say when we would get off calls during these times apart, but it was something like “You take care of that one and I’ll take care of this one”.  Knowing she was there with Gracie during her many hospital stays made it possible for me to function outside of the hospital and I hope she felt the same about me taking care of the outside details.  Without her, there is no way I could’ve done things like flown home from Boston while my daughter was on a ventilator.

 

We got off Skype and I read Lylli a story and tucked her in next to me.  She was always so excited that on the nights when Gracie and Mommy were in the hospital she got to sleep next to daddy, but truthfully, she was the only part of my whole world that wasn’t away in the hospital so it likely helped me more than it helped her to have her right there next to me those nights.  The next chain of events play way to often in my brain like a movie – Sometime after midnight I got a call from Carrie saying that Gracie was not doing well and they were working on her and I better get there ASAP, that she crashed and they were working on her.   I quickly woke up Lylli and told her how forgetful daddy remembered a meeting that we were supposed to have at the hospital and that I was late.  I wrapped her up in a blanket and had Carrie call her mom to meet me there.  I swear I drove from Coon Rapids to Children’s as fast as that car would go but it still felt like a two hour drive.  I remember Lylli being confused and asking lots of questions - I think I even told her at one point that Mommy really needed her glasses to read something.   I’m sure I was not doing the best at hiding how scared I was but I was trying anything to not freak her out as I was screaming inside!  I got to the parking garage where I normally park and ran to the door, since it was that early in the morning, it was locked.  I remember the feeling so vividly as I ran carrying Lylli in her blanket as fast as I could down one flight after another of stairs trying to open the doors on every floor until I ran out of doors and was below ground – We made our way outside by running up the down ramp and somehow managed with her in my arms to climb up a retaining wall and forced my way while covering her up through a bunch of bushes in a flower garden and ran across Chicago avenue through the front doors of Mpls Children’s hospital.

Carrie’s mom was there waiting for us, so I handed her Lylli and I remember fumbling through my wallet to find my license to get through the guard, but then finally saying, you know what I don’t have time for this I need to get to my wife and daughter – I’m not sure if I threw my license to him or my mother-in-law, but nobody stopped me as I ran to the elevator.  I went up to the Cardiac intensive Care unit where Gracie was and I remember hurrying around the corner and seeing Carrie standing there scared outside the wide open doors of her room while people frantically ran in and out of it.  Carrie looked at me and said “I can’t tell them to stop”.  I looked in the room and saw a bunch of people frantically trying everything they could to get her back.  Then I looked back next to Carrie at Dr Kendra - I don’t remember her whole name, but feel the need to personalize it a bit because she was much more than just a doctor, she was an intensive care doctor that  we were very thankful for because she had saved her life in the ER on a previous visit.  I asked her (more like told her) “ she’s going to be OK, right?”  I will never forget the look in her eyes when she told me “No”.  At that moment, it became very obvious that they had been doing CPR on her since the phone call with Carrier telling me to get there and I’m pretty sure most of that time was for us to make sure I was there with Carrie before they stopped.  The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was walk into that room and say “Hey guys, thank you, but that’s it – Please stop”.  One by one, people started clearing from the room.  They took Carrie into the room next door while stood over her shaking so bad and started pealing wires off of our girl.  The nurse helped me wrap her up in a blanket and I carried her into the room next door where Carrie was.   We were both in shock.  I remember standing on one side of the room holding her so close, rocking back and forth and patting her bottom like I would often do to sooth her.  Carrie and I spent some time with our baby and then we had to hand her over to a nurse for the last time.  And that was it, we were done, she was gone – it was time to go home.  Since we had been there for about 10 days, we had a bunch of stuff there. I asked the nurses to bring our stuff to the front door for me to pick up and Carrie and I slowly and in shock made our way to the car.  I drove like a robot away until we realized we had to go back to the front entrance and pick up our stuff.  I can’t remember if a word was said on our long ride home.  I just remember getting home around 4 am on May 1^st without our girl and realizing that our lives would never be the same. 

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about Gracie - Not a holiday or life event or first time experience by one of our other kids passes without a little pain wondering what her same experience would’ve been like.  She continues to be very much a part of our family and I miss her every single minute of my amazing life.  I know we are very blessed, but today and tomorrow, I will be sad. 

 

What They See

Wow – It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything on this blog.  I don’t know who followed along before, but if you did and are still around, how are you doing?  Long time no see. 

 

Been doing some thinking lately and decided to share.  I’ve been reminded the last couple of days that it is so obvious how body image and self-esteem is very much influenced by how parents act.  It has also become obvious to me that there is no need for a parent to apologize or negative talk about anything when that parent is trying.  Today was “Butterfly Day” in my daughter’s 1^st grade class (or however you say that in Spanish? Dia de something or other).  Mom left for work early and I have the luxury of working from home most days, so I was tasked with preparing Lyl for the day – not much for me to do anymore now that she is 7.  She came to me with a Ziploc bag full of colorful broken Halloween makeup and asked me to help paint her face like a butterfly.  It’s going to be almost 90 degrees today, so she was wearing a pink bedazzled tank top and flowery shorts – it’s kind of one of those racer back tanks, which allowed me the space to draw some wings on her shoulders/upper back – these were obviously drawn by Daddy.  I followed it up by a butterfly on her face and some pipe cleaners attached to a headband in an attempt to replicate some antenna’s.  As I told her OK kiddo, it’s not the greatest, but I tried, she walked to the bathroom to checkout my handy work in the mirror and her smile could not have been wider.  It’s very obvious that I’m no makeup artist, but the lesson I learned from her smile was that it doesn’t matter.  I’m her Daddy and I took the time to help her out and she wouldn’t have it any other way.  It didn’t do either of us any good for me to obsess about how it wasn’t perfect.  That got me thinking about how I recently took my 3 year old son to see Marvel Universe Live.  I splurged and got us front row seats – it was such a great experience, Just me and the boy – a giant smiling face painted like Spiderman, light up sword, and mouth full of cotton candy as we sat up close and personal with the cast of the show.  It occurred to me this morning that I learned something from that day as well but it took me until this morning to get it.  We were so close to the action and there were times that he wasn’t so sure about the bad guys running around.  When Hulk came out, he was probably 8 feet tall and full of muscles and ANGRY – smashing cars and knocking out guys with one smash – All that it took for him to not be afraid was for me to tell him that I would protect him because to Mickey, his Daddy could handle any bad guy no matter how big or ANGRY.  I’m 5’9” on a good day (probably not even that in my Chucks) and no longer bench press 500 pounds.  Heck, with my health issues these last few years, I get winded on a brisk walk by the time I hit the corner (which is 1 house away) and would be lucky to lift my weight – But – the thing is that my kids don’t see that – they see their Daddy and to them, I am there hero and invincible. 

 

I guess what I’m saying is when I work to lose this weight from the prednisone and sedentary life style I’ve had these last few years, I need to understand that they hear me when I talk about how I’m fat or look terrible or can’t fit into my clothes, etc. – That type of negative talk does not only not do me any good, but it teaches my kids how to face things in their own battles.  They see me when I sit on the couch and stare at the TV and pout instead of making the most of my day --   It’s time to concentrate on letting them hear and see that I’m working to get healthy and that I love them and doing my best and making the most out of this life that sometimes hands us some crummy cards  – To them, it doesn’t matter if I’m Mr. Olympia, an underwear model, or a genius, I am their Daddy that would do anything for them and that loves them more than words can say and that is all they ask of me.    

SteveO's LIGHT

Many of you know that my good friend Steve has been struggling this week.  If you are not familiar with his story, please see the following Caringbridge site:  www.caringbridge.org/visit/stevemoll

I was very happy to see the turnout of people putting SLP blue lights outside of their homes to show support and encourage that to continue until he comes home. 

 

I have worked with an artist to design a t-shirt continuing with the blue light theme.  The printing shop has setup a web store for those interested in purchasing.  All proceeds to be donated to the Moll Family.  

 

The web store is not super advanced, but we recently did this for another effort and it worked great.  A couple of things to keep in mind when ordering:  To get the best rate on the shirts, which will result in more money to be donated, they all need to be printed at the same time.  That said, the web store will be open from now until January 3^rd.  At that time, Rebyl Sports will then print up the shirts and I will pick them all up.  From that point, delivery is up to me (delivery or pickup will make them more money than if I need to pay for postage, but  have priced accordingly so however you prefer).  I will try to get them all in the mail or arrange delivery/pickup within a week of picking them up.  I’m sorry that I couldn’t get this all done and delivered by Christmas, but a hand-made gift card for one to be delivered later would still make a great gift – lol. 

The shirts will be priced at $18.  There will be two options, a standard T-Shirt or a more fitted ladies version (if the ladies version is not there yet, check back, they are still working on adding it, but I want to get this out there ASAP).   

link to the webstore

Please consider sharing and passing this along to anyone you can think of that would like to support or just get a cool shirt

Thank you for supporting The Moll family during this time.  I know first-hand what it means to know during times like this that there is a strong network of friends and family there to support you.

Any questions, please contact me at delaney44@msn.com

A Life With Grace

I had limited exposure to people with Down syndrome, up to a certain point, in my life.  I have a couple of amazing people in my extended family, but admittedly had not take the time to get to know them like I should have.  My wife is a special education teacher, so as I got to know her, I was exposed to some of her students, etc.  Her good friend/co-teacher's son was born about 6 months after we started dating.  I went with Carrie to visit them in the hospital.  Will was beautiful.  I think it was seeing someone with Down syndrome as a newborn baby that sort of started to change my thinking.  Even earlier in our courtship, before there was ever thought of us turning into a long term thing, Carrie had been exploring the idea of adopting a little girl that she knew with Ds.  It wasn't to be – in the end, it turned out that the girl didn't need a home after all.  As things got more and more serious, Carrie informed me that some day she wanted to adopt a baby with Down syndrome.  She repeated this often, and I heard her, but admit, most of the time, I ignored her.  While we were engaged, we spent quite a bit of time with one of her students.  She was from a single parent home – her young father was admittedly overwhelmed with raising his daughter.  She would occasionally spend a night or two, but there were a couple occasions where she spent a couple weeks.  I fell in love with that little girl – she was a little spit fire and knew how to charm a room.  Everywhere we would go, I was amazed to see the smiles that she would bring to everybody's faces, not to mention mine.  We even spoke seriously about adopting her if she ever needed a permanent home.  For two years, I played Santa Claus at the Miracle League Christmas party.  For many of these kids, I was the first Santa they had seen in person because a crowded loud line at the mall can be a bit too overwhelming.  I really loved doing that and for the most part managed to keep my beard and glasses intact.  But I do have to say, the most memorable kids to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas were the kids with Ds.  Between the people that I'd met, time spent at Carrie's school events, Miracle League games, and  Down syndrome walks, I was no longer as afraid of Down syndrome as I had been in the past.  Don't get me wrong, I was certainly not yet in agreement with Carrie when she repeatedly reminded me that someday she wanted to adopt a child with Down syndrome.  My standard answer after we got married was "Let's just see what happens naturally" – of course this was in attempt to buy time, hoping that after having some kids, she would forget her plan.  Never in a million years did I think that we would actually give birth to a child with Down syndrome.  I mean what are the odds that she and her coworker, both special ed teachers, working side by side every day, would both give birth to kids with Down syndrome.  We should have known right away that Gracie was an odds beater, because on November 22^nd 2010 – exactly 5 years to the day after Will was born, we became the proud parents to a little girl with Down syndrome.  The days leading up to her birth were much different than most families – early on she was given a 3% chance to be born and her diagnosis of Down syndrome changed her odds to 50% -- her heart was pretty messed up, so that was our main concern.  We knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that if we could get through the journey needed to get her heart fixed, the Down syndrome part was going to be a piece of cake – a lot of parents are faced with fears and tears when they become parents of children with Down syndrome.  We knew there would be challenges, but we were so excited about and determined to get that chance.  We love that little girl as much as any parent ever loved their child – if I could change places with her right now, I would without the slightest hesitation.  I can proudly say that we did everything we could to give that little girl the best chance at an amazing life – We sought out the best doctors, surgeons, and the best therapists – She was so beautiful and bright - So much more than just a sick little girl – so much more than what most people got to see.  Having Gracie  has changed me more than anything in my life.  I cannot begin to describe to you how proud I am to be able to tell you that I am her father.  She is and will be with me through every remaining step of my life and will continue to be just as much a part of my family as any of my other kids.  I can't begin to tell you all that she has taught me.  She has made every single person in my family a better person by having her in our lives.  She taught us so much about courage and strength and what we are all capable of.  We could never replace Gracie in a million years and would never want to.  We miss her every second of every day and have so much to be thankful to her for, including giving us that distinctive status of becoming a family with that extra chromosome – and if I can say, a damn good one.  It's because of that, I'm excited to say that we have started the process and paperwork to find and adopt a baby with Down syndrome.      

Tangled Up in Gray

It's gotten way too late on this Sunday - everybody else has retired for the night.  I turned the TV off awhile ago, but I just can't get myself to stand up and go to bed – I admit, I dread Monday every weekend, but I've especially been fearing this week for some time. As I sit here staring at and talking to the pictures of my daughter on the wall under the shelf with her remains next to the electric candle that we keep going 24x7 in her honor, I'm thinking about how earlier in the evening I was looking over my wife's shoulder as she put the final touches on this year's family Christmas card.  Since May 1^st, the toughest question I am asked is "how many kids do you have?" – it was such an easy question before that day.  There are so many things that changed and have become more difficult the moment we lost Gracie. I'm also thinking about the time we spent at Target today -  Despite the fact that we haven't yet even had Thanksgiving, the store was filled to the brim with everything Christmas – I'm usually all about the commercial aspect of the holidays – I love getting and giving presents, drinking hot butter rum, and eating way too many cookies, but this year, everything is different – and I guess now that I'm thinking about it, that's kind of saying a lot considering last Christmas was spent in Boston.  Our Christmas dinner was a hodge podge of microwavables and snack foods bought from behind the desk of the hotel lobby – Santa was so kind as to deliver gifts to Gracie's room because Christmas was only a few days after her final heart surgery – The surgery that finally fixed her heart – my sweet girl Lylli, still so happy to unwrap her gifts sitting on a window bench seat, silver bells and a three year olds carefree Christmas morning replaced by limited visitation surrounded by the beeps and alarms of the ICU - watching Lylli propped up on a stool leaning against the side of Gracie's bed happy to be watching cartoons with her sister on the goofy tv that resembled a dentist light hanging above - But the most important thing was that we were together – These last three holiday seasons have taught me more than any previous about this life.  Gracie was born in November, we got out of the hospital the day before her first Christmas, we weren't able to bring her out to see our family and friends that year.  This would have been her third Christmas, but the first one where we weren't dealing with pending or recovering from surgeries – the first one where we would have brought her out to see everyone.   I was really looking forward to all of my kids having a normal routine this year and will always regret that she never got to experience one.  Speaking of Thanksgiving day this Thursday, it would have also been Gracie's 2nd birthday.  A day that has been causing me more and more anxiety every day as it approaches. I will do my best to make it a happy day, but I'm afraid it's going to be a tough one.  This blog post was not meant to be a whoa is me sympathy plea – I wrote it because the best thing I can do to honor my daughter is to share what I have learned from her, so to anyone that will listen – As you prepare for your turkey day celebration and the pending holiday season, I just want you to try to remember that it's not about getting the most expensive Barbie Castle that you can find or about how many events you can fit into each day, it's a time to give thanks and enjoy the greatest gifts of all – your kids, family and friends.  I've always said that the toughest lessons you learn in life, you learn after you can use what you learn from them – I guess that is true for the incident that taught you that lesson.  But life is full of "If I knew then, what I know now" moments – and I'd like to suggest something based on what I've learned,   Take some time over these next days/weeks/months, a real moment to sit with your kids/loved ones and hold them and tell them how important they really are to you and to tell them how proud they make you – take a step back and really feel how blessed you are to have them to share times like these with because you truly never know what tomorrow will bring and if God forbid, that day comes where they are no longer around, you will regret every single kiss you didn't choose to give them.

I wish everyone the happiest Thanksgiving and holiday season 

Been a Tough Week

I got this thing in the mail today from the funeral home.  It told me that for many people, the initial shock of losing someone doesnt hit with the full effect at first, but after a bit, it hits you like a truck.  The author of the pamphlet even said that he recommends to businesses to let someone come back to work quickly after a loss, but to be prepared to give them some time away in a few months.  I found myself there this week.  The loss of my daughter hit me very very hard.  that coupled with a job that I don't like and the fact that despite busting my ass in the gym, I was mistaken last week at my work picnic for a very big and unhealthy guy at my work put me in a tailspin.  I went to my family reunion last weekend and we participated in the first annual Gracie Delaney Memorial 5 mile run/walk.  It was amazing but was tough -- I'm not complaining about it at all because it meant so much to us and I know this is the pain that Carrie and I need to go through in order to heal (or "grief work" as my wife's friend that also lost a child says) -- My wife did a Caringbridge entry for Gracie's site on Wednesday because it was the three month anniversary of her death -- she mentioned how we do have times of happiness these days, but they are all bittersweet without our Gracie to experience them with us.  I know its going to be so hard to watch all of the kids in my family around her age grow up -- We were so much looking forward to watching our Amazing Gracie defy stereotypes and knock down walls.  Carrie also mentioned something in her post that I really liked -- if losing Gracie is the price we have to pay to be able to say that we are her parents, then so be it -- The proudest thing in this world to me is that I am Gracie's Dad.  To be able to say that is well worth my pain and whether she is alive or dead, nobody can take that fact away from me.  Reading that pamphlet from the funeral home today made me feel like I'm not alone and that its normal for some to take awhile for the real pain to kick in, I'm not going crazy --- its just something I have to go through. 

I took the week off from the gym - I got an email from one of the owners of FXB asking how I'm doing and how he can help -- You know that feeling that you get that tells you to quit sometimes - as an athlete, the more you train and get into better and better shape, it gets easier and easier to suppress that inner voice, but when you are out of shape and struggling, it can sometimes be louder than any music they pump through the speakers at the gym - Let me tell you, that voice gets amplified tenfold when you lose your child -- there are those moments, lots of them, when you say WTF am I doing and FTW - I truly can't tell you how close I have been to walking out of a workout several times these last three months.  I'm ashamed of the fact that I've gotten to that point where I let that voice win sometimes.  That voice won this week - but I'm tougher than that.  I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.  There's absolutely nothing I can do to change anything in the past and I will no doubt live the rest of my life with a broken heart -- but that doesn't mean that life still can't be great and it all starts with getting happy with myself

Monday morning is 40 days before my 40th birthday.  It's on!
 

Smells Like Updog in here

I should just start every post after a certain amount of time between posts by saying that I, once again, am at that point where I don’t even know where to start.  May 2012 was the hardest month that I’ve ever had in my life.  I started the month by saying goodbye to my amazing Gracie (and will come back to post about that when I’m ready).  We had a celebration of her life on Friday May 4^th – a beautiful afternoon in the park (the same pavilion where we were married).  Hundreds of people stopped by to say goodbye to our girl – it was everything that we imagined.  The day was kind of a blur - there were so many people to talk to – but I noticed the obvious absence of a good friend.  Jayme was in our wedding in 2007 – I have decided to not post pictures of that day in this post because he was bald that day due to cancer treatment and I know he was uncomfortable during that time – So just over 5 years ago, he started his battle with brain cancer.  After the initial radiation/operation/battle they had everything held at bay.  The sensitive location made it impossible to remove the tumor, but they were optimistic that they had it under control – he followed up on a every so often schedule to check to see that things were OK and then awhile ago, they found more tumors.  I can’t say that I know all of the details and am kind of ashamed to say that – I guess I’d been so caught up in everything that we had going on with Gracie in the last couple years, that I didn’t dig too deep when I spoke with him.  I admit, due to my priorities, I took a step back from all of my outside relationships.  We exchanged emails and went to lunch several times in the last couple years – he was not the type to burden you with his problems.  I admire that about him – I am in a lot of ways, the exact opposite – people know when I’m going through things.  I guess I’m a drama queen.  I would always ask how he was doing, he would go into a little detail and then quickly say “but that’s nothing compared to what you are going through with Gracie” and turn the conversation back to her.  I would respond with “that’s not true”, but I didn’t press it at that point, because I knew he would rather not go there.  What a wonderful man – he knew he was dying, but didn’t want me to worry about anything more than what I already had on my plate.  Some people are best known by the things they say and people like me apparently try to get as many words out as possible – you know, throw it against the wall and hope something sticks – ie this blog.  But Jayme was the opposite – he didn’t have to say a lot.  Don’t get me wrong, he knew how to get the job done.  He single handedly grew a division of a company with no presence in the area into a very successful business.  He was a harsh negotiator and all business when he needed to be, but that had a time and a place – the rest of the time was using himself as the butt of a joke.  Where some attempt humor by talking, Jayme was the master of silence – he was one of the funniest people I knew and thrived on making people think he was serious when he wasn’t – someone at his funeral talked about his love of putting on socks with sandals and a “What you talkin’ about Willis?” t-shirt and then walking up and down the Vegas strip making people think he thought he looked good.  I had tried to call and text him a few times in the weeks before Gracie’s death and had not gotten a response, when I didn’t see him at Gracie’s celebration, I asked a few others that were close to him and they hadn’t heard from him recently either, we came to the conclusion that something had to be up – The next day, I started attempting to prod everyone that might know for more info and as suspected, one week after Gracie’s funeral, Jayme was put into Hospice.  I went to visit him on Saturday, May 12^th – he was weak and very tired.  A few of us hung out in his room for a couple hours, Jayme waking up once in awhile and adding in a one word response before falling back to sleep – We proudly continued our conversation of goofy stories all knowing that he could hear us and would appreciate the laughter as we reminisced about old times – When I left that day, he was pretty much sleeping, I crouched down next his bed and told him that it had been a good run, that I loved him, and asked him that when he got there, to take care of my girl.  I didn’t go back to see him before he died two weeks later – I regret that I didn’t go back, but I said what I needed to say and didn’t want to fuss over him – he wouldn’t have wanted that – OK, I admit, it was just too much for me at this time.  This past Saturday, I got the honor of being one of the pall bearers at his funeral.  They sang Amazing Grace at both the funeral and at the Cemetery.  I believe it was his way of letting me know that he indeed is with my girl and will make sure she is OK until I see her again someday.  It was a beautiful funeral filled with beautiful tributes from his closest friends, but was a very difficult day - I hope he knows what he meant to me – I will miss him very much.

Tough One Today

After a long sad Mother’s day, I headed to bed a little after 10 pm last night.  It was later than I would have liked given my planned 4 am wake-up time, but I just couldn’t make my way to bed because it meant that today (Monday) would get here sooner – that same sort of logic you use when you’re a kid. 

Once I finally got there, I noticed my not so wonderful neighbors felt it ok to let their kids/grandkids that show up from out of nowhere every few weekends yell and scream late into the night.  But even without the added noise, I’m afraid I would have had a tough time falling asleep.  I have so much on my mind these days – I battled the anxiety that today is my first day back at work since Gracie passed away.  It’s so hard to be here pretending that I’m still not devastated by the loss of my sweet girl – I really miss her.  It’s a pain that may dull over time, but losing her has changed me forever.  Despite being worried about going back to my office filled with pictures of her, I was more worried about being away from Carrie today – this is tough on me, but as the mom, much tougher on her.  I don’t feel like I did her justice on Mother’s day – I can’t convey to everyone how amazing of a mother she has been to our girls – I know what people have seen from afar has been amazing, but let me assure you as the closest one to her during Gracie’s whole journey that the tireless and thankless things that she did every single day were even more amazing than it would appear – I am as proud of Carrie as I am of Gracie.  We are working through things in our own ways, and I try to give her space, but I do prefer to be close in case she needs anything from me. 

To add to my already spinning head as I tried to fall asleep, I couldn’t help but think about my good friend who I learned was moved to hospice on Friday.  Several of us had left him voice mails and texts recently and hadn’t heard back from him – he was diagnose with a brain tumor 5+ years ago, the treatment went well and for a few years things were calm, but the last year or so they found some more growths and despite his character to not trouble others with his issues, it was obvious to many of his friends that things were getting worse than he lead us to believe – When I didn’t see him at Gracie’s funeral, I knew that things were not good.  He was in my wedding and, one of the few friends of mine to come and visit Gracie in the hospital in all of her stays.  Every time we would meet for lunch, I would ask how he was doing, but he would quickly switch the conversation back to how Gracie was doing instead.  He is a good friend, a creative type like myself – we always joked about starting a t-shirt company to sell shirts with stupid sayings – we even went so far at one point as to look at a setup someone had in their basement that they used for family reunions, etc on Craigslist  – we left the place to think about it over a couple of beers and we were all set to buy it, when we realized that we loved the idea of coming up with ideas, but neither of us wanted to actually do the work.  I wasn’t close to him growing up, but in my adulthood we have become pretty good friends.  We don't see each other all the time, but he means a lot to me.  I visited him on Saturday – he was pretty out of it.  I don’t have to tell you what hospice means, but it’s evident that it is only a short matter of time.  He was sleeping when I left, but before I did I asked him that if there is such a place as heaven, to please find my girl and make sure that she is taken care of – I’m sure he heard me and I know he won’t let me down. 

With all of this going on in my head, I laid there and tossed and turned until 3:05 AM when I finally made the decision that I had to text my workout partner Chad letting him know that I just wouldn’t be able to make it to FXB this morning – I just hadn’t slept and the idea of getting up in 55 minutes and facing today’s kickboxing workout seemed impossible at the time – of course now I regret not going but just I just didn’t have it in me today – I know a tougher man would have sucked it up and been there, and I’ve tried very hard to get back to my routine, but I’m afraid, with everything going on, I’m not quite ready.  I’ll be there tomorrow though for legs and abs - I can only take things one day at a time right now.   Sometimes I think I’m not sure if I would’ve started this if I knew all that was going to happen during this time, but then I realize that for some reason I was drawn to that place and the added support and stress relief it is bringing me could not have come at a better time – without the structured program, I’m sure I would be in an unhealthy spiral, but for the most part FXB has been keeping me positive and on the right path – to me it’s not about the 10 week contest – I lost my chance at that a long time ago, but it’s about the lifestyle change, and remembering more and more each day how much better life feels when I am healthy – but most importantly for me right now is the daily reminder that when things get tough in the gym (and they do daily in FXB) as in life, as bad as you want to give up and quit sometimes, as long as you push on and keep trying and working hard, things will be OK. 

Love ya 12

Words from Gracie's Celebration

I was emptying my pockets from that day and found the words I spoke at Gracie's celebration of life -- I wanted to have a record of what I said before throwing the printed copy away, so I am including them here:

 

Last time I prepared something to say in front of a group like this was a year ago as we prepared to go to Boston.  I came up with pages of things to say about our journey with Gracie up to that point – we were very scared, but at the same time, very hopeful – this time was much harder, believe it or not, I'm kind of at a loss for words. 

 

We want to thank you all from the bottom of our hearts for sharing in the journey with our Gracie.  I can't adequately convey to you how proud we are to be able to say that we are the parents of that little girl.  It is overwhelming to us to see all of the people that she impacted in her short life.  It's impossible for me to put into words what she has taught me.  She has made me a better man.  As cliché as this sounds – At night, in the sky there are millions of stars – most of them you can't see and the ones you do, look like they're staying in one spot – some brighter than the others, and once in awhile if you're lucky enough to be looking up at just the right time, you will see a bright star streak across the sky and before you know it, it's gone – often gone so fast that you are unsure even of what you have just seen – I know I'm biased, but I believe that Gracie was one of those shooting stars.

 

Many of you had never met her in person and I'm sorry you never got to see the Gracie that we knew.  She was not just the miracle baby hooked up to all of the tubes and wires that you saw in the pics from her hospital stays, but was a smart, funny, and charismatic little girl that we were so excited to share with everyone.  For those that didn't meet her, we didn't want your only memory of her to be in a funeral home in a coffin, so I ask that you take a look at the many beautiful pictures of her that are here today – She truly was as beautiful as she was strong.  I have needed to remind myself of her strength a lot these last few days and will continue to use that as the source of my strength in the difficult days, weeks, and years to come. 

 

As difficult as losing Gracie is to us, we are very proud to be able to say that we tried everything we could to give her the life that she deserved.

Goodbye my sweet Gracie

Gracie Update

For those of you that follow Gracie's Caringbridge site, this post may be a bit redundant because I am going to steal some of Carrie's posts.  But there are so many people that have approached me and asked about Gracie, I thought I would give a quick recap of what's been going on this week.

Recap of Saturday:

Gracie had a cold for a few weeks, but at the end of last week it has turned to pneumonia. She was on antibiotics for a few days after a visit to her family doctor, but her breathing got a little too rough and her oxygen needs too high for us to be comfortable with her at home. So, on Saturday morning we brought her to the ER at, our home away from home, Minneapolis Children's.
She didn't respond to her initial antibiotics, so they were thinking it was probably viral, which makes it tough because you can't really fix it, you just have to WAIT. She was on 3 liters of oxygen and her sats (oxygen saturations) were still only in the upper 80s to low 90s – She was very crabby for a couple days and was getting worse – it was obvious something was really wrong.  They did several nebulizer treatments to try and get her breathing to be easier.

Recap of Sunday (Carrie's whole cb update):

What a day! Not one I care to repeat any time soon! Gracie continued to do ok through the night and, with the help of some meds, even slept. But, around 4 am, her breathing and sats got worse. She was working very, very hard to breathe and even with 5 liters of oxygen going up her nose, her sats were only in the 80's. So, they decided to intubate her. They put her on the ventilator this morning around 8:00. With that came sedation meds to keep her calm and, although we really hate seeing her on the ventilator, she is much more comfortable.
Around the same time, the nurse noticed that her pupils were very different - one was big and the other was very small. Yikes. They took her downstairs for a head CT to make sure everything was ok. They didn't find anything on the scan, which is very good. The theory is that when the doctor put a central line in Gracie's neck, she irritated a nerve that caused her pupils to react. They still haven't gone back to normal, but no one seems worried about it.
THEN - as if that wasn't enough for a day - her labs showed her potassium levels were really high and she hadn't had a wet diaper for a long time. Something was happening with her kidneys. They did a kidney ultrasound that showed her kidneys were swollen. Nobody knows why they were not working, but they needed to start working to clear the potassium out of her system. If potassium gets too high it can make the heart stop. The next labs showed her levels even higher - critically high. They gave her several meds to lower her levels of potassium and some interventions to get her to pee and now, finally, she is peeing a little and her potassium is within normal limits. They even had the IV in to allow them to do dialysis, but - knock on wood - it doesn't look like we are going to need it.
What a day. We were pretty worried and stressed this afternoon, but things are looking better now. She is still on the ventilator with lots of support, but her sats are getting better and her blood gases are great. Hopefully they will even be able to wean some of the ventilator settings soon. She is definitely not out of the woods yet, but I feel like I can breathe a little now.
The good news is, her heart is doing good :) Ironically, all of this has nothing to do with her heart. It is a little more stressed, but it is understandable with all she has going on.
Thank you so much for your thoughts, prayers and words of support. It means a lot to us. I really hope my update tomorrow will be much more boring

Monday (Carrie's CB recap):

Gracie had a much better day today. She is still pretty sick, but things are going on the right direction. Her potassium is still low - they might even have to give her some to keep it from getting too low. She is peeing lots now. Apparently the kidneys get "stupid" when they are recovering and they forget to hang onto anything. As part of the healing process they are going to dump out anything that goes in. So, we have to be very careful about making sure she doesn't get too dehydrated. It is a delicate balance of making sure she has just the right amount of fluid in her body.
Gracie is still on the ventilator and probably will be for a while. She has lots of junk in her lungs that needs to get out before she will be able to breathe easy without the ventilator. They have been able to wean the oxygen down from 80% to 40% and some of the settings have been weaned so she is getting less support.

Now:
So the last couple of days have been about the same – nothing too exciting – her mascot is the tortoise during these stays – slow and steady.  Gracie is still critical, but her kidneys are slowly getting better.  She'll probably spend a couple weeks in the CVCC at Children's.  I'm hoping that she is off the ventilator soon – yesterday she was awake quite a bit and for the most part was relatively calm.  It's so nice to see her with her eyes open and calm.  I know it's just a matter of time before she turns back into the spunky Gracie that tries to rip the ventilator out – It's a battle for the nurses, but that fight has gotten her where she is today (I try to think about how tough she is when my mind is telling me to stop during my workouts).  I will never get used to seeing my child on a ventilator and for those of you that have seen yours, you know how devastating it can be to see that silent cry and not be able to do anything about it.  The last couple of days were tough on all of us – I think Carrie said it best – the adrenaline of how serious things were over the weekend has now worn off a bit and we both kind of got to that angry phase.  This poor little girl has been through so much in her short 17 months of life.  After all of these ground breaking, life saving heart surgeries she's been through – the latest in Boston over Christmas and now she's in critical condition in the ICU because she caught a cold.  Enough is enough!!!  But I couldn't be more proud of how tough she is.  And speaking of proud – I can't do my wife justice when I attempt to put into words what she does for our family – she says I'm too wordy, so the best compliment I can give her is to keep it short, but I am amazed that at 35 weeks pregnant, she, without complaint, stands/sleeps next to that hospital bed just in case Gracie opens her eyes so she knows that Mommy is there – I am a very lucky man.  Let's hope Gracie comes home before the arrival of our son – that would add a whole new level of complexity!!!
My last post was about my first week at FXB.  I was not able to make it last Saturday because of Gracie's condition – I gotta admit, my inner 3 year old was a little jealous of those that got a perfect attendance sticker on their check in card for last week.  I was able to make to the 9:30 class on Monday and have figured out a solution for someone to watch our other daughter, Lylli, so I can go to my normal 5 am class.  I'm burning the candle at both ends these days, but am determined to not let any excuse to sidetrack this effort.  As long as I'm not denying my highest priority, my family, during this difficult time, I will find a way to get there – FXB is the tool that I am using to make sure that I am around for these guys for a real long time.  Wish me luck -- I am adding another level of complexity for a week starting today – I have to carry the 24 x 7 on call pager for work.  The last thing I need to do is add more stress these days, but whatever doesn't kill me, right?

Thank you for all of the people that have found this blog – the support has been great!! 

FXB Week 1

As often happens at the start of a new important chapter in my life, I think to myself over and over about how I need to write a blog post about it, but as times goes by, I become overwhelmed at the thought – writing is not exactly my greatest strength and I struggle because I want to adequately reflect in words what is happening. 

 

That said – a week ago today, I walked into a room full of people to do my baseline testing to kickoff the 10 week program at FXB.  To be honest, I questioned what I was doing there that day.  A room full of people is the last place I want to be – especially doing things that point out my obvious weaknesses that I'd been denying for awhile now.   It was very humbling – on that day, I did a step test to check heart rate, I ran a mile, did pushups, sit-ups, tested my reach with a stretch, got my body fat tested, got weighed, and had them measure my chest, arms, waist, hips and thigh – not to mention posed for a "Before" picture wearing nothing but skimpy shorts.  Needless to say, after seeing my results of all of these tests, I had never been more ashamed of where I've gotten myself physically.  It's amazing what a guy can convince himself of – I mean, I wrestled in the state tournament in high school, was a scholarship football player in college, bench pressed 500 lbs, squatted a lot more than that and studied and lived the bodybuilding lifestyle enough to understand what I need to do to cut fat.  All of that, of course I'm still "somewhat" fit, right? – I mean, sure there's some extra weight, but I'm still a stud, right?  Nope.  It's that same skewed thinking that got me a little skeptical about taking advice from a bunch of confident younger guys walking around with no shirt sleeves on (ok older than me too Tim) – it quickly became obvious to me that these guys were not the d-bags that I convinced myself they might be, but that it was simply my personal defense mechanism for dealing with where I'm at.  I think it's a testosterone thing, but those thoughts couldn't have been further from the truth.   

 

I woke up Monday at 4 AM – I was still very sore from testing and wondered what I was getting myself into, but made it to my first class – cardio kickboxing.  I won't bore you with all of the details, but let's just say that I looked at the clock about 5 minutes into the warm-up and was already ready to call it a day.  Everybody there is so encouraging – it's a staple of the program that all people, even after they've been there for awhile need to encourage and help the newbies – it's an extremely positive environment and that team spirit is engrained in you from day one.  It's a strange vibe there – like everybody has stumbled upon a great secret that they feel obligated to share.  I know only after 1 week that is how I feel.  I don't think I have lost any weight yet, but can feel muscles that I haven't felt in a long time.  I can honestly say that after the second day, I already noticed myself walking a little taller (now sitting down was another story).  I am the furthest thing from a morning person, but I have been excited everyday to get up at 4 in the morning to get ready for class – it's a weird combination of being deathly afraid of the Hell that I'll go through for 45 minutes and excitement that I know this is going to get me where I want to be.  The first couple days I was embarrassed about not being able to do everything and about how out of shape I am, but it quickly became obvious that nobody cares a bit about where I'm at as long as I am doing my best to get better.  They leave me alone enough to battle my own demons to push myself, but are always lurking around the corner to give me a little "encouragement" when I let that voice in my head tell me to sandbag.   

 

This week, Gracie came down with Pneumonia and has spent most of the nights alarming due to low oxygen saturations and screaming – there have been a couple nights where I've only gotten a couple hours of sleep, but I still made it to class.  I've been exhausted, but am proud that I got there – I don't know if the old Rich would have done that.  I have followed the nutrition plan to a T and can't wait to get back for another workout to take the next step in the right direction.   I can honestly say after one week of this program that there will be a day that the name of this site will be ironic. 

 

All of that said, I was unable to make it to class this morning as Gracie has gotten worse, so we had to bring her to Children's where she has been admitted – hopefully for a very short stay.  She is stable and they are pretty sure that everything is good with her heart, so hopefully it's just a matter of getting her what she needs to fight the pneumonia.  As bummed as I was to not be able to go to class today, I know where my priorities lie, but I am also once again reminded of how important it is for me to get healthy – My family needs me. 

 

I'm going to stick with this and train and run that marathon in the fall and maybe someday I'll even get under 250 so I can shave off this beard?!  I will continue to record my journey

The Girls

OK - I admit, the beard is getting out of control

It has been almost a month since my last post – I need to pick this back up again – knowing people read about what I'm doing helps keep me on task. 

Gracie went to a cardiologist appointment last Friday – she is the healthiest that she has been – despite having a cold at the time, the doctor was very pleased with where she's at.  She has also been making great strides in all of her therapies - we are very happy with the directions things are going.  She has even gained some weight.  She weighed in at a whopping 16 lbs 5 oz.  Its hard to believe that in just over a month, it will have been a year since we went to Boston for her Bivent repair.   

Lylli is also doing great as always – she is such a character and makes me laugh every day – there are times that this 3 ½ year old phase gets a little overwhelming, but that is to be expected – I am very proud of both of my girls. 

Carrie is now 33 weeks pregnant and is ready to be done – I think she has finally gotten to the point where she and her body know that she is done having babies after this one.  She was saying the other day that she has either been nursing or pregnant since February 2008.  Yikes!  Besides that, the pregnancy is going well and we are all very excited to meet baby Mickey.  If he is born on Memorial day (two days early), our kids will have birthdays on Memorial day, Thanksgiving, and Halloween this year.

I am now in my 5^th week of the 30 week marathon training program.  Its going Ok but I feel like I should be further along - this week has not been the best.  I did my scheduled 2 miler on Tuesday.  On Wednesday morning, I was walking through my yard on the way to my bus stop - I got to the curb and my slip-on-shoe came half way off.  This caused me to stumble and fall off the curb - I landed 8 inches lower than I was standing square on my knee caps in the street (my feet still somewhat up on the curb).  Luckily, I caught myself before I landed on my face.  I hit pretty hard.  My initial thought was that of embarrassment because I was certain that my neighbors across the street saw the whole thing through their wide open picture window, so I popped up quickly, wiped off my jeans, shook off the cobwebs and made my way to the bus stop.  After sitting at my desk for several hours, I got up to walk around - my knees had stiffened up and I was in some pain – I was still thinking I would try to run, but by the time I got home, I came to the conclusion that it was in my best interest to skip my scheduled three mile run and ice/rest my knees instead.  The last thing I need right now is a nagging injury and I didn't want to hurt something else because I was favoring my knees.  I recently decided to make a slight change to my running schedule to not have three days in a row with my training runs, so yesterday was an off day.  I was thinking I might get caught up last night, but decided against it.  The knees still hurt a bit, but I'm hoping to get out for a couple mile run/walk tonight. 

If you use your creativity, on a SOMEWHAT related note, for lunch today, I went to my favorite sandwich place in the skyway.  I had to tell them that they wouldn't be seeing me for awhile – you see, today's sandwich was a last hurrah of sorts  - I have been doing this running thing and I feel like I'm making a little progress, but not as much as I should be.  I have to accept the fact that it's just as much about my eating and weight as it is my miles on the road – In order for me to do this thing, I really need to lose some weight and admittedly made the decision to not worry about my eating too much because I assumed the calories I burn running, would undoubtedly take off the pounds.  Well apparently that is not enough – so I have decided to commit to a 10 week program at FXB (www.facebook.com/#!/FXBBlaineMN).  I have heard wonderful things from people that have tried this.  It will take a lot of hard work, organization, and dedication -  10 weeks of working out at 5 am 6 days a week while also getting in my mileage for my marathon training program at night and doing it all while minimizing the impact to my family.  I plan to be very disciplined on my diet - hopefully it will kick start this weight loss thing – This beard is getting out of control and I vowed to keep it until I lose some significant weight.  For those of you that don't know the story behind the beard, I started growing it when we were out in Boston in November for Gracie's 6 month follow up appointment -- I decided to keep it when we found out that Gracie needed to go back for surgery over Christmas.  Since we were in the city where all 4 major sports have successful dynasties, I started calling it my playoff beard.  Once everything went well, I sort of felt like it was giving me some luck and decided to keep it a bit -- I thought it would be cool to lose some weight and then shave it off to reveal that some of the chins that were there when I started growing it were gone -- it then turned into a game because of the comments that Carrie sends my way on a daily basis leaving no doubt how she feels about it.  It has now become something that I use to remind myself of what I am working to accomplish this year -- I have only trimmed it a handful of times and will admit, its sort of gotten out of control -- I'm hoping, eventually, the beard comparisons will change from Santa Claus to Forrest Gump.   I go to FXB tomorrow at 9 AM for baseline testing: situps, pushups, mile run, etc – as well as weigh-in, measurements, and the dreaded "Before" picture.  I understand there are around 80 people signed up for this 10 week program.  My hope is to be in the running for the biggest transformation at the end of these 10 weeks (winner gets $1000).  I will keep you updated on this effort

Just thought I would check in – Hope all is well with you!!       

Photo at the finish 3/16

St Patty's Day Run

Friday night as I prepared for the Get Lucky 7K, I’ll admit, I was scared and moping around.  As I was unlacing my running shoe to attach the time chip, my wife heard me mumble – “I don’t know why I’m even bothering to put on this stupid thing, it’s not like I want anyone to know my time anyway”.  It’s at that moment that she reminded me of all of the things that Gracie will do in her life where she may be the one that is out of place.  Being the fat guy in a crowd of runners is hardly a comparison to having Down syndrome, but she really gave me something to think about.  When I start to feel bad about where I’m at, I need to get better at not kicking myself for getting there, but instead be proud of what I’m trying to do – I’m out there for the experience and to better myself - I need to enjoy it, and do my best.

I woke up early Saturday to prepare for my day, I followed my shower up with a couple pieces of whole grain toast with peanut butter and bananas and a couple glasses of water – fuel for the run.  After getting on all of my stuff, and a few nervous bathroom breaks, I sat on the edge of the couch anxiously awaiting my ride – we got downtown, parked in a ramp near the event and followed the sea of green towards the starting line.  I wore my new daddythefatty.com shirt in an attempt to draw some attention to this site and hopefully more specifically to the link to my Boston Children’s hospital fundraising page.  I am so out of my element at these things, but was determined to try to enjoy the event.  I really have to say, I kind of failed in that department – I was pretty much a whiny baby most of the run –I truly believed that my shins, calves, and arch supports were the reasons I had to walk so often, but in hindsight, I am still questioning my mental toughness – I know darn well there have been many times in my past that I pushed past extreme discomfort and pain to accomplish a lot harder tasks than moving forward at a pace just barely quicker than a walk.  My peers used to brag to others about my toughness.  I’ll admit, I kind of liked being known as the tough guy and it kills me to mentally struggle the whole time to want to give up and walk – maybe that’s one of the reasons this thing is so emotional to me -- I find that when I get moving, I am consumed by huge rush of emotions thinking about the journey we’ve taken with Gracie.  I want so bad for these girls to be a dad that they can be proud of and I get so angry at myself when so much of me is telling me to stop – I’m at the back of the pack and feel like there’s nothing I can do about that.  I need to remember that there is something I am doing about it just by being there – putting myself through the embarrassment to hopefully and eventually get to a place physically where I need to be.  Even though I’ll never be at the front of any organized run, I will continue this journey and I will work to be proud of where I’m going rather than being upset of where I’m at.   I think one of my friend’s said it best when hearing that I was still behind him at the finish line (I’m paraphrasing) – Oh well, there’s no grade in this test, it’s a pass/fail – Meaning, I either did it or I didn’t – and I’m happy to say that I did.

Sunshine On My Shoulders Makes Me Happy

What a beautiful day yesterday!!  73 degrees in MN on March 14^th – Even I can’t complain about that.  It was almost a little warm.   It made me think a bit about what I’ll be up against in the dog days of summer.  Last night I joined my buddy Dave for our scheduled Wednesday night run.  This is going to be very much a mental game for me – I’m still over 300 lbs and with that comes the additional aches and pains when trying to turn someone my size into a runner.  I was talking about how I realistically need to lose at least 80 lbs before the marathon and that even if I lose 25 lbs, I’ll still be 280.  Dave made a good point - he said every pound counts and when I think about how 25 is just a drop in the bucket, to consider carrying a 25 lb bag of dog food with me as I ran.  That said,  all of you guys annoyed by my presence at the organized 7k run this weekend, imagine throwing your mother-in-law on your back and trying to run a 7K – that’s where I’m at - so I’ll try to stay out of your way, but please think of me being out there as something positive as opposed to something in your way.  Anyway, I was starting to say that the hardest part about this training will be the mental aspect.  I’m not able to run the whole distance that I’m tasked with in the plan yet, so I’ve decided that I will only count towards my assigned distance when I’m actually running – last night, including a half mile warm-up walk and a small cool down walk, it took us 4.6 miles (and over an hour) to accomplish running 3 miles.  At one point, I was whining so much that Dave yelled over to me “knock it off”.  This is tough on the ego for a guy like me – If this was pushing through one more shoulder press, dead-life, or squat I could do it – that is something I am used to (or used to be used to).  But pushing through the mental great wall of China that I have in my head as soon as I get out of my comfort zone when running is going to be the hardest part.  I don’t know if this is a weakness that I’ve always had or I’ve slowly evolved to this point, but I don’t like it and plan to face it head on until I am no longer the guy that gives up.  Pushing on while being tired from a run is nothing compared to what my daughter Gracie has done - she has shown us how to not give up and I need to remember that when I'm feeling sorry for myself midrun.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t much of a workout for Dave (and I need to start learning to not apologize for that fact so often), but for where I’m at, it was a pretty good workout and I promised him that I’ll be a little better every time we meet– I’m even a little sore today – the good kind of sore.  I’ve been so good at having huge ideas and not following through with them – so much so that it makes me embarrassed and ashamed.  I was proud of myself when I drove away from his house – I’m going to do this