I am a very lucky man – I’ve got an amazing wife and am the father to three wonderful kids. Lylli was born on Halloween in 2008, Gracie was born November 2010 and although she only lived for 17 months, she will remain as much a part of this family as the rest of us, and Mickey Gray, our first son, was born in June of 2012. I’m not going to say that life has gone exactly as I would have wanted, but it is a good life and I am determined to make the best of it.

This blog is an attempt to document my quest to become a dad that my family can be proud of.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Incoherent ramblings

Clueless and Innocent Toddler, Young kid witnessing the divorce and all of the mudslinging that entails, travelling back and forth every weekend,
Latch key kid, never really getting close to either side of my family, Insecure, trying to fit into new school after school.  I've had my heart broken a couple times by both girls and athletics.  I've been fit and fat, fashionable and obviously not.  I've been a runner and a weight lifter and a couch potato, a drunk and dry.  I've had extra money and been flat broke.  I've lived in a townhome, an apartment, brand new house, and now in a small old house.  I've lived alone and with others.  I think about all of the things that have felt so terrible that in the end turned out to be not as bad as I thought they were at the time.  I think about how I've hurt others unintentionally due to my insecurities and the fact that all of the places that I've been in my life have resulted in kind of a screwed up man in some aspects.  I'm cranky, short tempered, selfish, irritable and obnoxious at times - I need to take better care of myself and for the last several years have talked way more about it than done anything.  When I reread this I realize that I've kind of been focusing on the negative, but I do know that I have a lot of positive aspects and have had many great experiences in my life.    I think about all of the lives that I've lived and my life now - I think about how lucky of a man I am -- The most obvious things to point out here is that I have Carrie and Lylli.  Carrie is a saint to put up with me and I truly do know that.  She is beautiful, intelligent, and very calm - In many ways my opposite, but it sounds better when I say she's my perfect compliment instead of opposite.  And Lyl - what a blessing she has been - smart, funny, beautiful -- I look at her everyday and thank God for allowing Carrie and I to bring such an amazing person into this world.  I think about all of the events that were important to others that I didn't participate in because of where I was at personally at different points in my life -  I failed to see the importance of my support.  I see it now.  I'm not pouting or doing a whoa is me, I know that I've done many good things in my life, and I know that it does me no good now to dwell on when I've made bad choices in the past.  But I can learn from them and once again, I see it now.  Its not about instant gratification or living a selfish life, its about being a good friend, husband, dad, brother, son, cousin, uncle.  Its about leaving things better than I found them.  Its about doing things that fill others' buckets instead of emptying them.  Its about making the best of what I've been dealt -- A lot has happened this last year that has forced me to do a lot of thinking, the largest being the pending arrival of Gracie - and as I've said before, she's not even here yet and she's making me want to become a better man.  So, I want to thank everybody that has ever been in my life in any way.  I pray that I have been a positive part of yours and for those of you that I have hurt in any way by my actions conscious or unconscious, I am truly sorry and promise to work on it in the future

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